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US News
American School Shooters Still Not as Efficient as Rest of World
Nation in Panic After Cat Terror Incident
Americans Relieved Tsunami All Taken Care Of
McGruff the Crime Dog Arrested in Kitty Porn Sting
"Female Viagra" Convinces Women that Men Will Call Them
Jeb Bush Keeps Up Legal Fight to Keep Severely Brain-Damaged Brother in White House
Bush Promises No Negative Advertising Against John Edwards and His Fat Ass Wife
Armed Robbers Steal Priceless Finger Painting "The Doggie" From Unguarded Refrigerator
Atkins Diet Fanatics Attack Cookie Monster
Dick Cheney Throws Away Deferment Letters in Angry Protest
Man Loses 125 Pounds By Divorcing Cheating Whore of a Wife
Trogdor Burninates California Countryside
Nokia Announces "Drunk-Free" Cell Phone
Photoshop Almost Makes Ugly Chick "Bangable"
Drunk Drivers Against Mad Mothers Having Trouble Getting To Meetings
Bush Relieved To Be Re-Elected
12 Year Old Boy Seizes Oil Platform
Online Poll: President Bush is HOT!
Boy Scouts Set To Execute Retarded Scout
ACLU Praises Sniper For Equal Opportunity Killings
STD "Glitter" Reaching Epidemic Levels
"First Female Serial Killer" Mourned
Orca Whale Deported
Priest Ostracized For Not Molesting Altar Boys
Every Maryland Murder Attributed To Sniper
Police Praise "Scare Pimp" Success
Invest - Start Smoking!
"Bumfights" Plantiffs Settle Lawsuit For 2 Million Cheeseburgers
Jeb Bush Announces Foolproof Terrorist Detection Plan
Die Hard Janet Reno Fans: "Still The Man For The Job"
Gore Plans To Run Again: Will Start At Two Miles A Day
Local Gator Farmer Looking For Love
McDonalds Unveils The McForty
Nicorette Gum Now Features Flavor Crystals
Man Dupes Girlfriend Into Seeing Porn Movie
Jerry Falwell: "Masturbation Is Murder!"
Man Has Sex For More Than 30 Seconds, Girlfriend Amazed
Billion Dollar Study: Sex Leading Cause of Pregnancy
School Board Bans Paper From Schools
Local Couple Finds Profanity to be Useful Argument Tool
It’s a Miracle! Liquor Changes to Water!
Man Feels Need to Clarify that Friend from San Francisco is "Not Gay"
World News
Blind Man Angered by West Africa's New Currency
Second Wave of Horror Hits Southeast Asia as Hollywood Stars Arrive
"One Hot White Chick Injured in Tsunami (200,000 Asians Killed Too)
Liza Minnelli Tapped to Replace Suha Arafat as Fat, Drunken Palestinian First Lady
American Corporations Lining Up For Prime Advertising Space on Israeli Wall
Abu Ghraib Prison Abuse Photos Prove Arabs Have Blurry Genitals
Iran Reports: Kucinich Has Osama Bin Laden in Basement
Arafat Thanks Israelis For Demolition
Bush Challenges Hussein To Spelling Bee, Aides Quickly Retract Offer
Reporters Finally Design "Middle East Violence Template"
Arafat Condones, Er, I mean Condemns Terrorism
Bush Makes Chicken Noises At UN
Terrorists Declare "War On War On Terrorism"
Entertainment
Public Television Fails to Make Children Gay, PBS President Resigns
FCC Forces Paul McCartney to Wear Metal Codpiece During Super Bowl Halftime Show
Dolly Parton's Planned Breast Reduction Surgery Prompts Red State Crisis
Pinocchio Becomes Real Boy, Sues Michael Jackson
Court's Annulment of Gay Marriages Frees Wife of Rosie O'Donnell
Lindsay Lohan's Breasts to Star in Own Sitcom
MTV Begins Filming For "The Real World: Abu Ghraib"
Larry Flynt's Reaction to "The Vagina Monologues": "The Dick Diatribes"
"The Passion" Blamed For Nationwide Increase in Drive-By Stonings
Peter Jackson To Follow Oscar Win With "Elton John: Return of the Queen"
Gibson "Passion" Shocker: Carbs Killed Christ!
It's Official! Ben and Jenny Merger Announced
EA Sports Seeks To Corner "Gaymer" Market
Ex-Lax Spokesman Typecast as "Constipation Guy"
Valtrex Ad Actor Criticized For Method Acting Approach
Movie Review: Scary Movie 3-Shut the Fuck Up And Pass The Popcorn!
The Two Towers? Have They No Shame?
Fox Announces Missing Children Network
Tragedy In Neverland
Christopher Reeve Stricken With Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
Playboy Sued For Masturbation Related Incident
Cher To Receive Full Body Transplants
Olsen Twins Gone Wild!
Stand-Up Comedian Fabricates Story
Forrest Manson: First Draft of Gump Movie Unearthed
Justin Timberlake Proves He Doesn't Need N'Sync (To Suck)
"Who Wants To Have Enormous Breasts?" To Be Added To Fox Schedule
Nobody Loves Raymond
Sports
Olympic Search Committee Leaves New York: Homeless People, Knicks Allowed to Return
Marlins Defeat Yankees, Steinbrenner Buys Marlins
Bin Laden Calls For Red Sox Manager's Firing: CIA Says Tape Authentic
NYC Wins Olympic Bid, San Francisco Settles For Gay Pride Parade - Again
English Soccer Hooligans Recruiting US Members
Anna Kournikova Almost Beats Some Chick
Shaq Signs New Deal For $850 M, California
Technology
Masochist Loves New Job as AOL Support Technician
N.O.W. Campaigns For Woman Friendly Domain Names
Everyone's Pretty On The Internet
Net Perverts Excited About Possibility Of "Pornster"
Intern Accidentally Deletes The Internet
E-Bay To Sell Itself On E-Bay
Commentary
I Hate Filling Out This Detailed Search Form
Now That The Sniper Has Been Caught, What News Story Will I Obsess Over?
I lost 142 pounds on the Heroin Diet!
I Use A Mac, Cause I'm A Lazy Bastard
"The Fake News For President!"
What's This About A Deadline?
"Fine, Don't Listen. But Don't Come Crying To Me When You Get Knocked Up."
"I May Be Head Cheerleader, But Our Team Fucking Sucks!"
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