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The moment that an entire country pretended to care about later

When Landon Donovan coolly slotted the ball into the back of Algeria’s net, bars and living rooms exploded nationwide, with loyal U.S. Soccer fans elated by their country’s advancement into the second round of the World Cup. The next day, many Americans who had not watched the game, most of whom had not seen a replay, had very strong opinions about the US chances against Ghana. “All I can say is our next opponent is ‘not Ghana beat us,’” said college student Billy Miller, repeating a joke he read on a popular sports blog. He continued, “The US side, as long as they don’t concede early, should be able to get a favorable result. I just hope the official doesn’t fall for Ghana players going down to the pitch, you know, simulation. I hate that.” Miller has no idea what the words “side,” “concede,” “pitch,” “going down,” and “simulation” mean in this context.

Prior to President Obama addressing the nation from the Oval Office at 8PM EDT on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced a bold step in the Gulf oil leak saga: The United States government is seizing all assets owned by the Exxon corporation and investigating all top-level employees.

It's just a matter of time until Exxon strikes again. Can we take that chance?

“Believe me, we are not taking our eye off of BP, but intelligence analysis shows that Exxon poses a clear and present danger to our nation’s waterways,” said Gibbs. “They’ve shown a propensity to leak oil into America’s waters, and we feel it necessary to stop them before they do it again. We don’t want the smoking gun to be an oil plume.”

This bold move comes after pressure from the media and Republican politicians and pundits has been mounting on Obama’s administration to do something to make it look like they are doing something so that the media, politicians, and pundits can criticize whatever it is they are doing and ask why they are not doing something else. For example, Sean Hannity has been critical of Obama’s handling of the oil leak, although it must be said that Sean Hannity has been known to be critical of Obama’s choice of socks for state dinners. The Fox News host has been asking about a reported intelligence memo that BP was planning to spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, which was ignored by the administration. Hannity claims his source is unimpeachable and is the same source that broke the Michelle Obama “Whitey tape” story during the campaign. Read the rest of this entry →

As more oil continues to spew into the Gulf of Mexico, pressure has mounted on President Obama to respond more boldly to the disaster. After being criticized for his supposed lack of response to the oil leak, yesterday the President said, “I don’t sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar, we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick.”  This show of anger would have worked very well last week, when Republicans were complaining about non-emotional response to the leak, but his statement played into this week’s message: “The President is too angry.” The theme started shortly after Obama made this statement.

For some reason, he walked backwards into the water

After hearing the early response to his statement, Obama reportedly lost his cool, saying, “Well, if it’s action they want, it’s action they’ll get!” Shortly after, he stripped down into a bathing suit, which kept the story from being broken for some time, since websites like TMZ were too busy bringing fashion experts in to critique Obama’s bathing suit (which one of them called “Air Force Three,” in an apparent nod to the President’s endowment) to ask any questions about just why he was in a bathing suit.

The President swam from the shore all the way to the site of the oil leak, a distance of approximately 40 miles. Along the way, he changed strokes several times, often relying on the backstroke, which Congressman John Boehner (R-Orange) later criticized as indicating he didn’t take the swim seriously. Read the rest of this entry →

So, I’ve had a few days off to mess around the apartment. While doing so, I discovered the greatest new site on the internet: http://www.americaspeakingout.com. The Republicans, apparently knowing nothing about the internet, thought it would be a great idea to pretend to listen to the people. Everyone else knew it was a great opportunity to have some fun. So, I created an account and went to work. It was difficult because of the horrible design of the site; it literally takes at least a minute for each page to load, sometimes longer. However, one of my posts ended up making it into the Washington Post story on the trouble with the website. Here’s the relevant section:

But Republicans might want to take a hard look at the suggestion that “we need to reframe the discussion” about the BP oil spill to counteract the “environmental whackos” worried about wildlife. Republicans, this person proposed, should argue that “BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good.”

In case you’re curious, here is my full post:

We need to reframe debates so that we look better. So many people are making a big deal out the oil spill, and these environmental whackos are all aflutter about the birds and fish. We need to reframe the discussion. Two solutions: The oil spill is producing clean energy. The libs are always screaming about how dirty our energy is. BP is trying out a new technique – washing the oil before refining it. How can washing something be bad? Second solution: BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good. Read the rest of this entry →

A spokesman for Jesus Christ has confirmed an entertainment reporter’s claim that a deal has been reached between humanity’s savior and Lost executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to ensure Christ will not return to judge humanity until after Lost’s series finale on May 23.

Oh yeah, he asked for a cameo

Lindelof explains, “We are always writing about the man of science and the man of faith, but we completely forgot about the man of Nazareth. It would really suck if Jesus returned to judge the quick and the dead before our audience could find out what ends up happening with their favorite castaways.”

Jack, from The Lost Podcast with Jay and Jack, is not taking the news well. At the end of each Wednesday’s show, he gives his “crackpot theory of the week,” in which he proposes a strange, somewhat logical theory that almost always never comes true. He was about to predict the second coming on May 22, until he read about the agreement on Lostpedia.”I was so upset. I thought I really had it this time.” Jack ended up going with his theory that the entire run of Lost has just been a ploy to get Jenna Elfman back on network television with the spin-off “The Dharma Initiative and Greg.” Read the rest of this entry →

Written by Thaddeus McClean III and Jimmy Wellington (Originally written in 2002, but republished due to recent events)

After nine weeks of surveillance by a private investigator hired by members of the community, Pastor Johan Fealy of Mulletville, Indiana was found to have not once touched any child, male or female, in an improper or sexual manner. Members of the Mulletville Community Board were shocked and disappointed.

They want to make sure they touch children and their lives

“I thought for sure that we’d catch him doing something,” said Chester Peters, a parishioner at St. Sylvester the Banal where Father Fealy is the pastor and only priest in residence. “I saw him touch my son once,” said Peters, “he was coaching my son’s soccer team and gave my son a high-five when he scored a goal. But there was something I didn’t trust about that high-five. He’s just got to be up to something.” Read the rest of this entry →

Because of looming budget cuts and potential drastic state-wide teacher layoffs, school districts are looking for ways to continue providing students with an education while watching the bottom line. Some districts are trying to think creatively and ensure their students are not shortchanged by potential staffing changes. If teachers are laid off, class sizes will grow, leading to a more difficult learning environment, especially for less-abled learners. One New Jersey district, however, has come up with an inventive way to overcome these obstacles.

Schools can't even afford real black for the blackboard."

Johnsonian High School sits atop a hill, surrounded by lush meadows. From the outside, it looks like any other high school. Upon entering, it soon becomes clear it is much different than any high school you’ve ever seen. In classroom C-395, the students are working in small groups, engaged in their activity, yet a teacher is nowhere to be found.

The high school is experimenting with a new form of cooperative learning. Generally, cooperative learning means that students work in groups to help each other learn new information, with a teacher’s guidance. Johnsonian Superintendent John Johnie thought that the approach could be streamlined further: “If students are helping each other learn, is the teacher really involved? Can’t we find some more cost-effective way of allowing students to help each other learn? I wrestled with those questions for several minutes, and then found a better way.”

Johnie’s idea was to go even further than any educational researcher had dared and eliminate the teacher from the classroom altogether. Instead of paying a teacher a yearly salary, students are paid based on how well they do on their tests. A student, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “The administrators providing the tests have no clue about literature, math, science, whatever. They just give us tests they found on the internet. It takes us about three minutes to find the test using our iPhones, and then someone outside the camera’s view shouts out the answers to the rest of the class. I want to be a student forever.” Read the rest of this entry →

After condemning celebrations by American snowboarders and Canadian hockey players, the International Olympic Committee is taking a hard look at excessive celebrating by medal winners. Saying such excessive celebrations lack the decorum and propriety which should accompany the fruition of four years of grueling training and countless competitions, the group is working on a list of acceptable celebrations for future winners.

Test: Is this an acceptable celebration?

The Fake News has obtained a draft of permissible celebrations, which also includes specifically banned practices.

From: IOC

To: Olympic Athletes

Subject: Specifically banned celebratory practices and permissible substitutes

As of today, Olympic athletes may not:

1. High-five – Aside from the obvious illicit drug reference in this act’s name, slapping each other’s hands is a violent way to celebrate victory that can also lead to injury. If you look at it from the side, it can also make it look like you’re both saluting Hitler. Read the rest of this entry →

On Thursday, Bill Clinton was reportedly rushed to a New York hospital due to chest pains. Hospital spokespeople say the 42^nd President of the United States is recovering well and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has arrived and is by his side. The Fake News has obtained an exclusive, off-the-record interview that indicates a different series of events than what major media outlets are reporting.

President Clinton will be able to resume his normal level of hitting on chicks in under a week

According to our source, the former President was having a leisurely breakfast when he suddenly dropped the newspaper, grabbed his chest, and said, “Oh my God.” When aides asked him what was wrong, he said, “I need to get to New York Presbyterian Hospital right away.” Our source stayed behind to search for evidence of possible poisoning and glanced at the newspaper Clinton had dropped.

“I didn’t think of it until later,” our source said. “But, at the top of the paper was a large headline that read ‘New York Presbyterian Candy Striper Program Rated Best in Country.’ I remembered Mr. Clinton’s reading disability that causes him to involuntarily add an extra ‘p’ to words, and figured out what happened.”

While “letteraderitis” is a rare learning disability, it seems to effect U.S. Presidents at an alarming rate. George W. Bush is perhaps best known for adding the letters “W,” “M,” and “D” to Iraq.

This isn’t the first time that Clinton’s reading problem has caused some confusion. “While he was President,” our source says, “he kept sending out memos about wanting to attend the Supper Bowl. We thought he was just poking fun at Ronald Reagan’s declining mental state during his second term.” Read the rest of this entry →

Passersby wondered why there was a thirty car backup at the Byram, NJ McDonalds yesterday. Some speculated that perhaps the fast food chain had run out of sesame seed buns. The truth was much more mundane, but no less annoying.

Take forever!

Justin Digger is a graduate student at a nearby private college, and was so used to filling his speech with empty multisyllabic words and vague pontifications that he is no longer able to adapt his speech patterns when faced with mundane tasks.

According to an eyewitness, this was some of Digger’s order:

Digger: “Oh my goodness, this Big Mac culinary delicacy is an accidentally erotic gustatory sensation that explodes with an arsenal of tiny sesame bullets, sending a direct tactical strike to my neurological pleasure epicenter! Your fantastic gastronomic selection fills the belly of my soul!”

Employee: “So do you want the Big Mac or not?”

Digger: “Wow, I cannot cogitate that my personal economic situation is capable of producing such stupendous flavor options, like this exquisite restaurant flooding its torpedo tubes of delicacy to facilitate an annihilation of my pleasure center.”

Employee: “I’m not an English major, but I’m pretty sure George Orwell is clawing his way out of his grave to cock-punch you.”